before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
