Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
