i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
