fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
