mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
