The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
