I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
