i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my shit smells like andre
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
