but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
PANTIES FOUND
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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