when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
