I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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