Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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