I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
