I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
