She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I intend to get homeless drunk
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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