You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
