8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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