Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
