Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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