There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
