Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
