Pants 0. Shit 1.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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