I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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