What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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