pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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