dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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