Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
