I cockslap morals
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
