I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
