now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
