I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
