dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
