I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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