Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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