Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
