I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
