Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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