I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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