Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
