Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
