my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
