I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
