Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
another moral hangover. fuck.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
