Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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