Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
