My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Randomize
