I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
