Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
