I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
