1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
